Tuesday, November 08, 2005

I need to get me some colon cleansing

You have about 15 pounds of rotting waste in your colon. If you got rid of that you could race faster.

It was health fair day at work again. This time we set up camp next to the Chiropractors. I'm a sucker for a massage, so I wandered over. The doc I talked with had recently returned from a spa in Thailand with the sole intent of some colon cleansing. Now forgive me if I was laughing hysterically on the inside, couldn't shake the image of Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor. I'm all for exotic locales, but 7 days of self administered enemas so as to detoxify my colon, I don't think so. Isn't that why god made fiber? I've been looking for a good chiro for trihubby, so I inquired into his expertise in sports medicine. He assured me he had abundant knowledge and had recently treated a number of marathoners. "You just need to be thoughtful when you go out and run 24 miles from ground zero in your late 20's" Nice guess (I think gently). I'm 37 and a marathon is 26.2. I'm not a running snob, but I do expect a self proclaimed expert to know the basics. They packed up and left early so I never got my chair massage. I had to recruit Standing Long Jump to roll my neck. I bribe him with a "get out of jail free" card. It allows him a pass on any job I ask him to do. Hyphen Girl was beaning me with cheerios the entire time. I guess that counts for exfoliation treatment. Who needs Thailand?

Now on to the delicate question. I've been loading up the hours on the bike and let's just say that makes for some agony in the swimsuit region. What is "butt butter" and is it a cousin to udder balm? Does it work? I am also on the standard issue bike seat, would my gel seat feel better and irritate less?

And the not so delicate question: how can I compute my distance travelled on the trainer? I'm on a Cyclops fluid trainer with no built in mechanism to measure. Does it work to put the bike computer on the back tire, or is there a thing to buy to attach? I'm just doing time right now, but I am curious how fast and far I'm traveling. Thanks.

11 comments:

Trisha said...

OMG - the sports medicine knowledge bit is hysterical!

Flatman said...

Is your computer wired? If so, you can put it on the back wheel if the wire is long enough. If not, you should get one that is designed to go on the back wheel. You should probably be looking at your cadence too. I am going to e-mail you something...

Steven said...

Cat Eye makes comps that fit the back wheel and also have cadence. Cadence is what you need to watch when indoors much more so than speed or miles. Hook your comp to the back wheel, hop on the trainer and your set.
Also - use Bag Balm for the nehter regions. It comes in the coll green tin and works wonderfully. I used it for a Cycle Oregon 600-mile 7-day trip and never once had a problem.

William said...

Ha ha 15 lbs eh? Wow, how do those beans and corn from supper get all the way around that 15 lb baby in my colon and come out in the morning so perfectly.

This guys are nuts but I've heard that stuff before. I think its called cononix?You're right, thats what fibre is for.

Anyway, you can use the Cateye Astrale 8

It is rear mounted, and has cadence. That combined with a heart rate monitor should give you a good picture of how hard you are working and how far you have gone.

nancytoby said...

I'm going to do all my colonic cleansing with mai tais administered orally.

Wil said...

I have a Cateye and just moved it from the back wheel (which doesn't spin on my trainer) to the front wheel. Works just like it did outside.

Oldman said...

did someone (Princess Di) use hycolonics to lose weight? they might be a moving experience but like Nancy I'll go the self administered route and use tequila orally.

tuckerman sr said...

Chamois butter is well worth the money and is light and not all slimy like a pertoleum based cream, you'll not really notice it when walking around but on the bike it is amazing...treat the undercarriage properly and you will enjoy the ride so much more. Also, we recently upgraded my wife's seat with a terry butterfly....what a world of difference. Between the two, you will enjoy the long rides so much more and won't want to ride without "preparing" again.

trifit said...

15 pounds just doesn't sound possible.

William said...

Wil must have an interesting trainer.

Susan said...

My husband is a big butt butter fan.

Have you seen that infomercial that says you can have longer stools with more girth . . . makes me laugh.