Thursday, December 01, 2005

Kashi Exorcism

My gut has been giving me grief for the last three weeks-a circle of nausea, heartburn, bloating, nausea had finally settled or should I say unsettled into my lower gut. Voices in my head I'm used to but Barry White or worse yet Willie Aimes in the colon freaks me out. So, I followed the dr. Trimama prescription and performed a Kashi Exorcism. If I knew how to attach an mp3 I'd attach audio-it was ugly- but I feel better now.

I heard this on the radio today and it made me laugh--enjoy

Dear Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER


Dear TROUBLED USER:

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than with the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

7 comments:

Susan said...

hmmm, Kashi exorcism . . . never tried that. Glad you feel better.

Bolder said...

oh my. i've been trying to make my fibre goals, so i hear yah.

if I purchase the Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3 from AMAZON.com, does she end up being really tall?

just wonderin'.

Keryn said...

That was hilarious! And I loved the technical support thing too! :)

Wil said...

Kashi - who'da thunk it. About time, eh? I know life is feeling much better.

Comm's said...

I know who you listen too,
I know who you listen too...

I read that yearsa and years ago and love it. So funny.

Oldman said...

oatmeal works wonders also... along with some plain no-fat yogurt to replace the old germs with better germs

Fe-lady said...

Too funny!!!-thanks for getting me through the afternoon in a special ed. classroom. (Which is a pretty entertaining place in itself!-and I'm talking about the ADULTS that I work with!:-0 I consider you the Erma Bombeck of Triathlon Blogs!