Tuesday, March 21, 2006

...and the ties that set you free

Two Sunday's past I embarked on my weekly long run. I headed east because east is flat and fast and simple. I knew when I passed the six mile mark in 47 minutes that this was no ordinary run. It was a run intended to exhaust anger. I can generally gauge the weight of my thoughts by how quickly the shield of anger breaks down into the grimace of angst at the heart of the issue. I never hit angst, because east is running away. East is "I have enough on my plate and for right now I simply need clarity and sanity." Passing the six mile mark for the second time at 1:34 was my first inclination that the upcoming week was going to be mentally rigourous. And as I shared, it was. Abundant thanks to all of you for your expressions of concern and sympathy, they meant a lot.

I completed that post and set off for another long run, only this time I headed west. West is hilly and muddy and challenging. West is burdensome and slow, west is distraction and getting lost and cutting through the woods and realizing that ventilated running tights and low rise socks aren't the greatest apparel when the snow rises to your swim suit area. West is finding the path again and cruising over hills. West is an ipod randomly shuffled yet mysteriously landing on precisely the right songs at the right time. West is traveling back to a storage locker when the door is finally opened by the older sister who for all intents and purposes was really the mom. West is remembering the deeply penitent heart that took responisibility for being such a lousy kid and fully deserving of wrathful imprisoment. West is building the fire, making dinner, nursing the hangover, and acting like nothing had happened. West is FUCK YOU. West is realizing that eleven years of estrangement and withholding grandchildren was intended as punishment. Separation is punishment and punishment leads to repentance. West is realizing the stone cold heart of a beast that could lock an eight year old in a storage locker in a basement has no room nor will for repentance. West is relinquishing the idea that behavior good or otherwise can change the heart of beast. West is learning to accept that it's ok when cruel and awful want nothing to do with you. West is rewiring a brain that is waiting for a beast to open a door, west is opening it yourself. West is understanding that the seeds of nurturing and warmth and tenderness planted in the midst of evil will yield a great return of fruit of contentment and peace and joy when reaped in an environment of love. West is lighter and freer.

Eventually west turns east and heads towards home. Home is love and waffles with strawberries and cream. Home is giggles and "mom's home!!!!!!!!!!!!" Home is "mom smells good, that's why everyone wants to be close to her" well at least after the shower. Home is where family gathers and friends meet. Home is what makes the bad weeks worthwhile.

Just so long as those bad weeks remain rare :)

Thanks again all.

2500 yd swim and 45 minute hill run today-the forging of iron continues.


TriSaraTops said...

You brought tears to my eyes, Trimama.

Hope those waffles and hugs were really big and good. :)

Keryn said...

What a fantastic post! Very moving...

Now I want waffles and strawberries!

Tri-Geek Kahuna said...


don't tell mr. tridaddy or mrs. kahuna, but i'm in love.

not THAT way exactly, but in a far off, you-are-a-remarkable-woman kind of way. your super supportive husband and loving kids are very lucky and i suspect know the gem that they have in their midst.

keep going west, young woman.

Fe-lady said...

Lady, you are Titanium already!
Wish I could join in your group hug.
It's OK to feel angry. And you are directing it in a way that hurts no one and heals yourself.
You are wise beyond your years...and a wonderful writer also.

stronger said...

Atta girl- Glad you headed west. I followed you home with tears.

Geek Girl said...

It sounds like you've found a good way to get the anger out. Keep it up. I try to get my clients to find ways to do that, but they get stuck and don't want to get it out. Maybe, if you keep it up, maybe some day it won't seem as all-encompassing as it does now. You're very brave and wonderful to share this with people who might read it.

Pem said...

Don't be discouraged if a lot of pain comes out as you start to make your own better world. The child inside often feels "I don't want things to be good now because then no one will believe how bad it was then." Accept those feelings as part of the process and they will pass.

I'm working at present on feeling gratitude for my immediate experience instead of focusing on the past.