Sunday, March 19, 2006

The ties that bind, the ties that break; an honest moment with Trimama

Since therefore we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us...

I'm having a bad week. You wouldn't know it by looking at me, I don't tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. Rather, I guard it close, focus externally and keep the internal animal caged. To that end, I have no idea why exactly I'm writing this. Actually, I know exactly why I am writing this. 140.6 is a long way to travel. Beyond that, god willing 50 or so more years will be a long way to travel. I have a lot of weights to lay aside, and they are making me tired. Sometimes the best way to put aside weights is to shed some light into the darkest recesses of your mind. It's a difficult task to clean the attic when no one can see what they are doing. Sometimes it is useful to ask for some help.

And so, my training buddies, I'm having a bad week. A bad week is nightmares, and day terrors. It's a mind that won't stop, that won't settle. Its a chemical cocktail of trama and childhood nightmares that flood my brain and soul. The toughest thing about these weeks, which thank god are rare, is that I just want to hide in the corner of my room in a drunken stupor until the nightmares pass. So, if for no other reason I am thankful for training because training says "no alcohol except wine and light beer" therefore no drunken stupor. Well, and The Tribe deserves a sober, in tune mom. I love them, they are a gentle summer rain for a thirsty soul. I don't like drunken stupor, I don't really even like drunk. I like life. I'm thankful for the life I've been given. I suppose that is why I don't want to squander it on "poor me I'm a victim, feel sorry for me blah blah" But weeks like these are bad.

I haven't spoken to my own mother for 11 years. This makes me angry. It is my choice, but it makes me angry. It took just a small handful of "no, don't talk to me" to silence her. Within a year-silence. She has four grandkids that live ten miles away-silence for them too. Now this is the woman who use to beat me senseless and lock me in a locker in the basement for the night because I "pissed her off" and she wanted to sit around and get drunk with her friends. When you are 8 the first 15 minutes of hide and seek can be scary-wondering if the seeker will come looking for you. 15 hours is downright terrifying. Especially the second and third time, because you know what is coming. 8 year olds still don't do so well on the time space continuum-so there isn't much rational thought available. My own mom didn't look for me when I was 8, and 11 years of silence are a deafening reminder of why. The brain tends to store up a lot of that chemical and releases it at the most unwanted of times. Like when you are 38 and have four kids of your own. Then, in weeks like these, the chemicals get spilled, and the memories release, and you live somewhere between here and there, and you move forward in the midst of the present day's homework, and snow days and laundry and dinner, and the past day's bruises, and betrayal, and isolation and abandonment. All the while you focus forward. Focus on the race, knowing that a new day will come and there will be a little less chaos and a little more focus.

Focus is hard to come by in bad weeks. But I know to get to the end, I can't carry all of this.

I have to keep runninng in this race given to me and so

"Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble."

When someone hurts you, be it intentionally or otherwise, they throw another weight around your neck to carry. Sometimes those weights are easy to lay aside, some things are easy to forgive. But sometimes the hurt cuts in with a jagged knife, and leaves ugly and infected. I had a crappy, cruel mom who left alot of jagged wounds. I'll be damned if I plan to carry her weights for 140.6, let alone 50 years. 38 is more than enough. So, in that alone, bad weeks have hope, because bad weeks tell you that there are wounds and weights. And the Creator who sent those words tell me there is healing and hope. I just need to get through this bad week and by his grace hopefully weigh a little less when I'm done. That would be some meaningful weight loss. (which is good because there is nothing quite like a pan of brownies when you are trying to avoid drunken stupor)

I have a 2.5 hour run to manage now, thanks for your ear

13 comments:

nancytoby said...

This hurts even to read. You deserved a better Mom. A loving, caring, attentive Mom. Like the one you are giving your own children.

I hope your run gave you some peace.

From another child of an alcoholic....

Fe-lady said...

Wish you had been my kid and I your mom...
What a wonderful lady you have grown up to be in spite of all your heartaches.
Know that I am sending you strength and peace and quietness.
Keep moving forward like you are, you are doing the right thing for yourself and the Tribe!

TriSaraTops said...

Trimama, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

You have a lot in common with Trisaratops' Mama.

I haven't heard from nor spoken to my mother's mother since I was 11 and told her on the phone that until she stopped making my mom sad, I didn't want to talk to her. I'm now 28.

Sometimes things are better without--my mom's strength and the hard decision she made to "let the cycle stop with her" allowed her to grow and become the person I most respect in this entire world.

You are so blessed to have the Tribe and they are to have you, too! I hope that your long run brought you some peace.

Wylee said...

I hope you left it all out there on the pavement today. In every mud puddle and in every heavy breath. Peace on the journey.

Keryn said...

You have become such an amazing woman and mother...thank you for opening up to us. My mom has never met her only grandchild, who just turned four.

Training is great therapy. Keep at it and keep the Tribe in the front of your thoughts. I'm thinkin' about you...

Spence said...

Oh Trimama. This DOES hurt to even read. You, of all people, one of the kindest, most caring and loving moms around, deserve so much better. You are an AMAZING woman to have come through that kind of terror and to have the strength to reclaim your life...to give such a happy and healthy life to four wonderful children. I too am sending you strength and hope and I have faith that your load will only get lighter as you continue to heal.

Bear hugs from yet another child of an alcoholic....

Flatman said...

Yet another reason to love the Tri-Mama. The fact that you went through so much... and you give exactly the opposite to your children. You are an inspiration.

Keep your chin up and know that I am thinking of you...

stronger said...

I often put things on my blog to release them from my mind. Way to let that 8 year old out. Sounds like she needs a big hug.

Sometimes you have to ask yourself- if I wasn't related to this person, would I even associate with him/her? It can make those 11 years feel more comfortable.

It is too bad she had to miss out on the beautiful person you are and those beautiful children you mother. She missed out.

Bridget said...

Everytime I read about you and your Tribe I think what a great mom you are and that you really inspire me. Now, I have even more respect and admiration for you. I hope your week gets better. Thanks for sharing.

Tri-Geek Kahuna said...

Hey, Tri-Mama. It's the bad weeks that bring you healing, though I know it doesn't seem like it at the time. I'm sorry for what happened to you. I'll tell you my story, a pale version of yours, over some tequilla in Florida.

With love,

Prospicient said...

Tri-Mama-

I'm a lurker who has enjoyed reading Alliance blogs for several months. You are an amazing person who has done great things...we love you!

I was touched by what you wrote and was reminded of dealing with my own history. Here are some words that were pivotal for me as I learned to "put down the weights" I was carrying:

"Know that the wicked choice of others cannot completely destroy your agency unless you permit it. Their acts may cause pain, anguish, even physical harm, but they cannot destroy your eternal possibilities in this brief but crucial life on earth. You must understand that you are free to determine to overcome the harmful results of abuse. Your attitude can control the change for good in your life. It allows you to have the help the Lord intends you to receive...

During prolonged recovery from massive surgery, a patient anticipates complete healing in patience, trusting in others’ care. He does not always understand the importance of the treatment prescribed, but his obedience speeds recovery. So it is with you struggling to heal the scars of abuse. Forgiveness, for example, can be hard to understand, even more difficult to give. Begin by withholding judgment. You don’t know what abusers may have suffered as victims when innocent. The way to repentance must be kept open for them. Leave the handling of aggressors to others. As you experience an easing of your own pain, full forgiveness will come more easily.

You cannot erase what has been done, but you can forgive. Forgiveness heals terrible, tragic wounds, for it allows the love of God to purge your heart and mind of the poison of hate. It cleanses your consciousness of the desire for revenge. It makes place for the purifying, healing, restoring love of the Lord. The Master counseled, 'Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you.' "-Richard G. Scott

Habeela said...

I just came to your blog today and all I can say is wow! Such a huge weight and yet just a huge indication that you have already made such huge progress in making a new ending for yourself and your life!

I can only imagine how hard it is, but your determination alone is phenomenal...and at the end of it we'll have to cast aside the iron because truly you will be made out of something much stronger.

For those of us whose bad weeks are a mere fraction of that, you really are inspiring!

TriFeist said...

You are so full of life, love your family immensely, it's hard to read about the demons in your past. You deserved so much better. You deserved a mom like you. Hopefully those weights around you feel a little bit lighter now that you've shared them with us.